So, I kind of got called out on something last night.
As my fiance and I were driving to meet our group of friends for the usual post-church dinner, he turned to me and said something along the lines of, "We won't have any time to talk about this later tonight , but I need to say something." Naturally, I was pretty curious about what was coming next... Didn't really sound like he was going to say anything good, but then again I knew he wouldn't say anything upsetting knowing that we wouldn't get to talk about it until the next day. So I was pretty intrigued. After answering a brief phone call, he turned to me and said, "About what Mycah said earlier (Mycah is a friend of mine and we had been talking about our appearances. I had said that I didn't feel as pretty without make-up compared to wearing it), I think there is something serious going on there. Think about it and we'll talk tomorrow."
We didn't get a chance to talk about it today, but I think I've come to some conclusions.
Self-confidence has always been something I have struggled with. From my physical appearance to my personality, confidence is just not something I've had. I've been self-conscious of my weight, my "shy" personality, my looks in general, my ability to open up to people, etc. I know it's unhealthy, and I know it's shallow and silly. But thinking about it for the past day has also opened my eyes to another negative - it's not honoring to the Lord. This is something I was kind of aware of before, but I never really took that awareness and used it to change my own outlook.
This insecurity causes me to focus on petty, fleshly things rather than focusing my time on making an eternal difference in someone's life. That alone is a problem! This has also made me realize that sometimes I rely more on what I can do with my own abilities rather than relying on what the Lord can do through me... A.k.a. Problem #2. It causes me to hold back where God has commanded me to go boldly. Wrong, wrong, wrong. These are just a couple of the issues I find in my concern with my appearance.
So, I'm going to change. Easier said than done, no doubt, but I don't want to think like that anymore. I want to view beauty the way God does. I want to value it as what HE says it is, not the world.
That's the kind of beautiful I want to be... Captivating because of who I am in Him. Nothing else.